Why is it so hard to find (and keep) friends?

I’ve always had a bit of a hard time making friends. When I was in elementary school, it seemed easy. I had friends in church, at school, and around the block. If there was a kid outside rollerblading down the sidewalk or catapulting down the street on a scooter, soon enough, I’d have a new friend.

But things became infinitely more complicated once middle school hormones and awkwardness took hold. Still, though, I was able to find at least a few of my people — but my friend group was always small, with people moving out of town or to other schools and lunch hours spent in the bathroom at times.

I think most people can relate on some level — once you’re able to think too much, once you get your learner’s permit, once you get accepted into college, and once you find yourself out in the real world, life becomes a lot more difficult. And part of that difficulty lies in making friends.

Relating to others is hard. When there aren’t scooters and Disney Channel musicals to turn to, how do you even start a friendship?

While I’m by no means an expert, and still often in search of friends, I’ve learned a few things over the years on my journey to finding friends as an adult. Things that might help you, or might just be downright relatable.

Friendship takes being okay with putting yourself out there.

Sometimes again, and again, and again, with little to no reward — at least at first. This is the hardest lesson I’ve learned, and one I’m still working through. If you want to make friends, you have to get out of the house. You have to take the initiative to join that book club or go to that social event and show up by yourself when no one else will go with you. You have to be okay with meeting new people, trying your best, and then trying again the next week.

I know it’s hard — trust me, I know it. Working up the courage to keep trying after you’ve been disappointed is never easy, but if you don’t try, you’re bound to stay where you are right now, and that’s not any easier.

Friendship is a two-way street.

This was one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned, but one of the most valuable. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reached out to a new potential friend, only to never hear back. Or how I’ve made plans again and again, only for them to never come to fruition when someone I thought was a really great friend bails at the last minute.

Friendship is a two-way street in the same way that any relationship is — there’s always some give and take involved. But if you’re giving during one season of the relationship, then you’ll take during another season. There’s an ebb and flow in any relationship, and it’s helpful to keep that in mind as a gauge for both yourself and others.

Friendship comes in unlikely places.

This is the wildest lesson I’ve learned on the journey. Friends come from the weirdest spots. Sometimes your best friend is someone you didn’t like at first, but grew to love over many years of shared experiences in the trenches as you followed your respective dreams. Sometimes you join a church group to make friends and walk away without a single person’s phone number, but somehow are still friends with the only other new person in the group. Sometimes you meet a platonic girlfriend in a Facebook group for dating singles and laugh together at the ridiculous things people post there to this day.

If you want to make friends as an adult, it takes effort, and it also takes openness to the unexpected places where you just might meet your new best friend.

Friendship arrives when you embrace the awkwardness.

Meeting new people is awkward. There — I said it. I’m over everyone pretending that it isn’t. Unless you’re an expert-level small talker, you’re bound to have some uncomfortable encounters on the journey to making friends as an adult. The beauty (and, in my experience, the friend) comes when you embrace the awkwardness.

My best example of this is when it comes to work friendships — those awkward corporate events are only bearable when you have at least a couple of work friends, right? So find your fellow only-there-for-the-snacks people, and embrace the awkwardness. Grab a board game and sneak away into a corner to play until the evening is spent. And make a pact to leave at the same time so you can all awkwardly announce your departure together.

This applies to every interaction ever — we’re all awkward at some level, so roll with it. Mention how awkward it is, tackle the awkwardness together, and you may have just made yourself a new friend.

Friendship is a never-ending journey.

Sometimes this fact makes me sad — finding friends is hard, and I have come to believe that this never changes, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Putting yourself out there is hard, finding people you align with is hard, and continuing to build and nurture a friendship once you find it is hard. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

Look at friendship like a sometimes-difficult journey, but one that’s worth the effort. And don’t forget to pick yourself back up again after your latest attempt at finding a friend group. We’ve all been there, so don’t feel too bad, and make sure to keep on trekking.

Previously published in Curious